Saturday, February 23, 2013

Desperate - chapter 3

Before I start I just thought I'd share that my blog is now recognizing that I want to type the word "desperate" and auto filling it. Oh what it must think of me!! ;)

Ok- chapter 3 is "Formulas Don't Always Work." I kind of felt like last week's chapter didn't really apply to me, but boy oh boy was this one applicable!

I am such a scheduler, list maker, rule follower. To a fault, if I'm being completely honest. I joke about it regularly, writing it off as part of "my accountant brain."

But, in all truthfulness, this attachment to the ideal plan can be somewhat of an idol in my life if I am not careful. The whole, "man can not serve two masters" thing.

So, it was like parts of this chapter were written directly to me.

Sally, in discussing what Joseph, Moses, Joshua, and David were called to said, "None were called to do the logical or expected thing but rather to look to God, listen to His voice, and follow Him."

I love that that is true of my life as well. I don't have to have the whole day, week, year planned out in advance. Yes, it's good to not be negligent, but I need to be listening for God's call on my time and be willing to let go of my plans in favor of His.

But, what really stunk was realizing that I've tried to follow this routine/recipe addiction with my kids as well. In Sarah Mae's section, one quote that spoke to me was, "Our goal is always the heart. We think about how we can help our children understand their sin and then turn and follow good."

I know in my heart that that is my goal, but in practice I feel so far from it some days.

I think a lot of times my actions reveal that my goal is more to train my sweet little boys to not sin - a behavioral issue over a heart issue.

I should pause here and say that I realize they are 1 and 2 and I understand that a lot of what I am doing IS behavioral training, out of necessity. But, my confession is my heart attitude behind those goals. I like to think my motivating factor is because, "obedience is very best way to show you believe." By training them to obey consistently, cheerfully, quickly, and completely, I am preparing them to walk with the Lover of their souls.

But, on the hard days - my motivation is much more selfish. My head is dominated with thoughts of entitlement. I shouldn't have to pick up their toys. I shouldn't have to babysit them while they pick up so I'm sure it gets done sometime this decade. I should be able to have a phone conversation without being interrupted or having to correct. How ugly is that?

In short, I try (in vain) to train them to do the very thing I've not been able to accomplish in my own life - not sin. When instead, I ache to love and serve them in such a way that it draws them to the One who is without sin and can "cure" them, and me!

If you're looking for this kind of brutal revealing of your sins, you can buy this book here. Isn't God good to continue growing us, not leaving me in my ugliness?

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